Oh hey y’all. By y’all, I mean anyone who will actually read this. I’m back, and you can guess by the title how everything’s been going.

On paper, my life sounds like it really should be improving right? I’m taking full advantage of services at the mental health agency, I’m going to the gym, I’m in goddamn school to get my bachelor’s degree.

This weekend I went to a wedding in the middle of nowhere in Vermont near the Canadian border — gorgeous wedding by the way, had fun, not the point. My friend took some pictures and suddenly, there I was, looking awful.

When I left the house, I swear I looked great. I wore a dress I love that fits well, my hair was perfectly done, I even put on fake eyelashes. That’s right, FAKE eyelashes! When I saw the pictures? Oh dear lord.

Full. Fucking. Meltdown. How could I look so bad? Why didn’t anyone tell me I looked like this? Who was this ghastly looking woman I saw and did she eat the beautiful woman I saw in the mirror that morning?

So my mentally ill brain did what it does and went, “oh, so we should starve ourselves until we die. Actually, death would be preferable to looking this way. How did no one throw up seeing you? Your friends hate you, all those laughs and moments you shared were fake.”

Rough, I know. But hey, you’re the one reading the blog of a severely mentally ill 27 year old woman. I swear at some point I’ll write something positive again (probably) but for now I hate myself.

Where does this leave me? There’s currently a war raging in my head between complete self destruction and finding a way to actually heal through this. Call it life experience, call it a fucking decade of therapy, call it whatever you want. There’s actually a voice inside of me telling me not to sprial. The other, louder voice is telling me to burn that other voice to the ground, along with everything else while I’m at it. I’m in full fuck it bucket mode.

I think my only answer right now is to sleep and see if I still feel like personal arson in the morning – but who knows? Right now, life sucks.