Hey, just checking in — does anyone know what’s going on or what the fuck they’re doing? I certainly don’t. I’ve never known. I may never know.

It’s called imposter syndrome, sweaty. LOOK IT UP.

No, but for real. Nothing will make you question your life choices like being 27 years old on a college campus surrounded by 18 year olds who won’t stop saying “lowkey” and “fire.” I feel like they shouldn’t have let me go here. I feel like my fifty-something year old professor, Jim, is more of my peer than my classmate, Justin who doesn’t wear his baseball cap all the way on his head. Besides, Jim tells me where to get good draft beer. If I still drank, that would be cool as hell, Jim. Thanks.

Also, quick question — when the FUCK did I get to be almost thirty? When I’m around the 18 year old children, I remember so clearly what it was like to be that age. Truly, it doesn’t even feel like it was that long ago! Yet here I am, nine years older than them and practically turning to dust. I constantly feel like I stick out like a sore thumb. In their world, drinking is the coolest thing ever. The sports they play are their entire lives. Everything is about status and they’re too cool for everything. Then there’s me, three years sober, a 401k, and a nearly decades long caffeine dependency. (These kids are coffee-fucking-amateurs!)

Maybe it’s the years we all lost to the pandemic. Time doesn’t feel real anymore. Things are moving in fast forward and you don’t realize it until you’re around kiddos who are passionate and vocal about things they don’t know jackshit about. If I could go back in time, I would teach myself the value of shutting the fuck up. Then I’d punch myself in the face and give myself a little smooch on the forehead — because I very much deserved it. Sorry mom… and everyone else who ever interacted with me during that time. Oof.

Anyway, if anyone knows the secret to not constantly feeling like a clueless dummy inside, that would be great to know. It’s okay, you don’t have to keep it to yourself anymore. You’ll always have a captive audience in me!